John Legend – Tonight (Best You Ever Had) ft. Ludacris

In the past month, no music video has made my toes curl in delight like this one. I just want to bask in the perfection of all that is John Legend, his smooth skin, beautiful body, and of course, that flawless voice. I love Ludacris, but his voice doesn’t really put me in the mood for loving. Regardless, this song is potent. It’s definitely the best audio-visual experience I ever had today. (My memory isn’t good enough to be sure of anything from further back in time.)

“Tonight” is on the soundtrack of Think Like A Man, out next month and promising to be inane and sexist (against men), which I suppose hasn’t hindered the movie industry so far, I suppose. I don’t recognize the models in this mv but John Legend’s love interest doesn’t seem to be his fiancé Chrissy Teigen, unless I’m blind.

Beyoncé – Dance For You

Queen B has blessed us with another music video, and this one, unlike the previous (which I reviewed exactly a month ago! The 27th day of every month is Beyoncé Day! Except not, because she prefers the number 4), is noir-style and devoid of color. This video is pretty straightforward: Bey walks into the office of her detective lover and surprises him with a sexy dance. Except instead of surprised, the whole time he seems more mildly amused. His slight smile and shake of the head at 3:00 leads me to believe that he’s thinking, “Oh, Beyoncé. You’re so cute but I’ve already seen this routine countless times so by this point I’m merely enduring it as a way to let you entertain yourself.”

Seriously, though, if I snuck into someone’s office to do a sexy dance and all he did was stand there by his desk, I’d probably stop halfway through to ask if something was wrong. WHY DO YOU NOT LOOK SEDUCED?! is what I would say. You know Beyoncé is getting desperate because she then rounds up four of her girlfriends to help her out. By the end, he looks like he just wants to get back to work. B, all you had to do was slip him some Viagra. No need to try so hard.

Mary J. Blige – 25/8

This video is…something. I’m not a fan of overlays because they’re usually distracting and confusing, and there’s a lot of it here, mostly used ineffectively. I want more of Mary J. Blige’s unobstructed face singing to me! More of her dancing with her troupe of hunks with a slight whiff of sexy dominatrix! I am not pleased with the poorly green-screened singing in the middle of an intersection(?) business. What was the purpose of that? To show that’d she’d make time for you even in the middle of some crazy foot traffic?

“25/8,” or, as some might be inclined to call it, “3.125,” tries so many special effects that it’s hard to pick a favorite. If I had to give a prize for “most inscrutable,” however, it would definitely be awarded to this work of art:

Half face, half city, all terrible.

Ne-Yo – The Way You Move ft. Trey Songz & T-Pain

[NSFW]

This music video is nothing short of delusional. Ne-Yo & his cronies are patronizing a ~classy strip club, effectively glorifying a profession that promotes patriarchy and sexism in the way women have to sell their bodies to earn a living. I’m not condemning occupational strippers, but it is both cliché and reprehensible for Ne-Yo to glamorize this. After a song like “Miss Independent,” it’s sad to see such a decline in propagated values. Is it too hard to promote some semblance of a normal and healthy relationship? You’re going to croon a love song to a woman for whose time and attention you are paying money? How deluded must you be?? But of course. Watching a woman hump the floor in a thong and heels makes me sing falsetto too.

I’ll do a little bit of translating of Ne-Yo’s mid-song monologue:

Now, I never felt like this before. (Really, really horny. My pants are going to bust open.)
Which is why I brought some friends along to help me express it a little better. (Express our sexualities, that is. It’ll be a threesome. Or a foursome. Either way, it’ll be a lot of work for you, but hey, we wrote you this song!)
I got one more friend that wanna talk to you with a little bit more experience in this department. (He pretty much has a PhD in orgies.)
Pain…talk to her. (Talk to you…with his penis! And maybe an engagement ring. Because he’s delusional.) 

Monica – Until It’s Gone

Rule #1 of life: Don’t have your arguments in the car while driving. ESPECIALLY WHEN IT’S RAINING. How come you didn’t dispense that bit of wisdom along with your relationship advice, Monica? Huh? What’s up with that?

I was excited to see that Brian White is in this video — I’ve had a huge crush on him ever since Stomp The Yard. I’m not sure what kind of hospital they’re staying in, but I’m pretty sure [from my limited professional experience in watching hospital dramas] that it would not be okay to bandage a patient’s bleeding head so crudely that the blood leaks all over the pillow. That’s not okay.

I’d also like to draw attention to Monica’s leopard-print full-body dress and furry vest. Somebody must’ve had an inspiring trip to the zoo, eh? She appears to be channeling her inner Real Housewife. Also, I’m surprised to find out that she’s only 31. Seems like she’se been around forever! (Fun fact: director Diane Martel also directed Khia‘s NSFW “My Neck, My Back“!)