Elva (萧亚轩) – 遗失的心跳 (Lost Heartbeat)

Considering the current Chinese New Year holiday, I figured it would be appropriate to post a Chinese (well, technically Taiwanese) music video. It’s too bad I couldn’t find a song about dragons; instead, Elva’s outfit seems to represent more of a leopard-print griffin. If it weren’t for the sleeves, the dress would be fabulous, but I do realize that sometimes a woman’s gotta keep her arms warm, especially if she’s dancing outside in January.

The song is pretty typical mandopop fare, and the mv isn’t all that interesting either. We see Elva getting rushed into the hospital (presumably because she lost her heartbeat), chased by her man/friend/backup dancer (it’s totally a trend once you get past a certain age!). Meanwhile, her doppelganger, dressed in white, roams the halls of the hospital and occasionally drops in to check on Elva’s heartbeat progress (prognosis: not good). My guess is Mr. Backup Dancer pushed Elva in front of a car (let’s be real, they’re dancing in the middle of a huge street) so that she’ll realize the frailty of life and agree to be his meal ticket for life marry him. With a video this vague, I can really make up anything I want. Happy Chinese New Year!

Jay Chou (周杰倫) – 水手怕水

I love this music video so much. So, so much. As much as I love his blue pants! (I have a pair in the exact same color.) The title roughly translates to “Sailor Afraid of Water,” which you can take however you like. This video is cute and fresh and playful and has random white people in it — the best kind of white people! (Just kidding. The ones in this mv are the best because they lip-sync Mandarin.) Jay Chou’s dancing is so adorable that it almost makes me forget about how unpleasant “Mine Mine” was, though I’d need something a bit stronger than this to wash away that memory.

Let’s take some time to appreciate Jay’s random sidekick, a face I do not recognize but whose comedic acting I wouldn’t mind seeing more of. The beatboxing segment that starts at 1:08 is superb, though because I am not an avid follower of Taiwanese pop culture, that bit of wordplay might be decades old and seem clever to only me. I also love that Jay is nonchalantly eating a slice of bread. Things veer off-track a bit toward the end when we start seeing random pretty ladies who have apparently been hiding in a remote corner of the ship this whole time. I don’t have anything against pretty women, but their sudden appearance makes it seem like whoever edited this mv either ran out of other material or simply forgot to put them in until the very end.

This review was brought to you by my favorite beatboxing sidekick, who also happens to look like my cousin:

He could be Back Dorm Boys 2.0

M.I.C. – Get It Hot

M.I.C.‘s newest video reeks of manliness. Tattoos! Dumbbells! Engines! You know how those manly car mechanics like to run from the police kick back from work by throwing on their most fabulous clothes and transforming into playboys at the club. I swear, one day I’m going to film a music video in which I fill the club with a legion of hot dudes around the female singer. (J.Lo tried a variation of this but the execution…fell short.) All this is to say that I don’t understand what’s going on here. I appreciate the effort to pad the typical club scene with some (sexy) police action, but at the end the boys drive off in the police Hummer without being successfully seductive or arrested.

1:33 is arguably the best part of the mv. (LOOK AT IT! YOU’RE LOOKING AT IT! And now you’re one of those “bxxxs” [sic]). The dialogue at 4:08 comes in close second. Thank you, M.I.C., for supplying this blog with some comedy. If I recall correctly, M.I.C. debuted as a group with strong dance capabilities, which unfortunately wasn’t really shown until the end.

I’d like to conclude this review with a by-ear transcript of the ridiculous voiceover that you were probably too distracted to make out in the beginning of the video (blanks where I couldn’t understand the words):

And check out some of this new fitness technology on display at the International Health, Racket and Sportsclub trade show. ____ anti-gravity treadmill makes you feel like you’re running—how about working out inside a video game? You can do just that in the x-arcade. This new eco-treadmill allows you to take care of the environment while you’re taking care of your body. This machine can help you climb the ladder of fitness success. And the company’s owner says Robert Downey Jr. used it to get in shape for the movie Iron Man. The annual revenue is close to 20 billion dollars. You can expect to see all this new equipment at a local health club near you. Coming up later for __. David Daily for the Associated Press, and this new eco-treadmill allows you to take care of the environment while you’re taking care of your body.

Jay Chou (周杰倫) – Mine Mine

Taiwanese superstar Jay Chou has gone international by mixing a bit of T-Pain autotune with the dance set of a K-pop music video. Well, it’s not as bad as his cowboy mv, but at least that one was lovably quirky instead of a disappointing sell-out. I understand the need to expand as an artist and keep up with trends, but Jay, your fans prefer you without the gimmicks — your amazing composition ability is what made you a sensation in the first place. Please go back to your older stuff and write something life-changing like 简单爱…please. “Trying something new” can’t be an excuse to clone what’s been overdone by other artists unless you can improve on it significantly, which frankly you did not.

That said, I do love the piano in this mv. White grand pianos are awesome, and white grand pianos with wings are mind-blowing! One can only hope that he releases an acoustic arrangement of this song.

This review was brought to you by Finding Nemo:

Mine. Mine.